Well, the Weeks Went by and Spring Turned to Summer

RMJ on Max Miller, who reportedly engaged in psychological abuse, including withholding his daughter's favorite toy:

I know I’m only reading headlines, but according to them, this reprehensible representative has kept the favorite doll of his daughter away from her on multiple occasions. Once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times is enemy action.

Why this man is not restricted to severely limited, supervised visitations, is beyond me. 34 years ago when I was practicing family law, I could have gotten those limitations on a father like this just on the headline record I’ve read.

I am baffled by the lack of concern for the best interests of this poor child.

Abuse is about control, leveraging any and all levers to exert it, which includes fucking with personal belongings.  Ericka destroyed a lot of our things; especially, but not exclusively, my family heirlooms (she also forced me to get rid of so much stuff).  I made the King County Superior Court Clerk smile and say, "oh, that's so sweet, I've never seen that before," when I'd indicated explicitly that I wanted possession of my 50yo teddy bear on my DVPO application¹.  I wasn't about to let my abuser take away one of the very last things I've had since childhood.

I was granted a temporary order on January 17, 2020.  The most dangerous point in a relationship with abusers is when you are leaving, particularly when you get a court order².  Fortunately, I guess, Ericka did not engage in lethal violence, but filed for her own order on January 23 (literally the day after I quit drinking).  That's when I took my teddy bear to an undisclosed location, where I lived until our permanent order was granted on April 9.

After the ex parte phase of our saga ended, and we entered the adversarial process, we were given joint custody of the kids with weekly swaps.  Our initial exchanges were set up to be "touchless": Ericka would drop them at school, and I'd pick them up (that lasted just a couple weeks before COVID shutdown school, so we switched to the fire station where there were cameras and people who could intervene in a crisis).

First time, though, I went to get the kids and discovered that she had not sent them with any clothes or items of comfort.  Good thing at the time there was a second-hand clothing store on island where I was able to acquire some items to stretch until their mother finally deigned to leave some suitcases at the school for them a couple days later.

Ericka was, like most abusers, constitutionally unable give up the manipulation (not to mention avoid behavior in violation of court orders), even when Family Court Services and Child Protective Services were investigating both of us as our case proceeded.  Just a small part of the extensive, disturbing pattern that thankfully became crystal clear to all observers, which is why I'm here with the kids more than six years later, and she is not.

I hope Emily Moreno and her daughter stay safe.  I also hope more people learn about the fucked up dynamics of domestic violence, and why survivors often can't imagine leaving.

Selah.

1 - I also specifically granted her use of my Land Rover, just so she'd leave the island.  When we lived in Vermont, Ericka went out and bought two cars without my input, and without my name on the titles.  She would threaten to call the cops on me if I drove them without her permission.  When I bought my car, I was the only title holder, but it still was essentially her car.  Such is the nature of abuse.

2 - But Earl walked right through that restraining order...a song that Ericka would ironically sing.  Always off key, which was actually one of the most endearing things about her, and I miss it unironically.