Memories, How They Fade (Not) So Fast

Sadie reminded me today that it is the official start of Birthday Month.  That's a tradition Ericka and I began when the kids started being aware of birthdays and holidays, mostly to forestall the incessant demands for gifts in the lead-up. 

So nobody is allowed to submit wish lists (now coming in the form of slide presentations, lol) until 30 days prior.  It's always been sorta like Advent, and to this day I still give the kids small gifts and extra coin along the way, up until the Big Day.

Sadie's birthday, though, has long filled me with anticipatory anxiety because a day not long afterward (July 26) is an anchor of grief.  For starters, in 2020 that was the last time the kids (or anybody in the family) ever saw their mother.

That was taken at their regular supervised visit on East Madison Street in Seattle.  Ericka had been staying with her parents down in Estacada, and would drive up on alternate Sundays to see her kids for a few hours, but after this one, she never went back.  

Instead, she decided to go on a little crime and mischief spree across the country, getting arrested a couple times in Newport, Oregon, and leaving bread crumbs in Florida, Puerto Rico, and Arizona.  Then...nothing, until she was found dead in Portland about 8 months ago.

In 2021, the date did not become happier.  I had to call the mobile vet, and say goodbye to Old Man Mexico.  My heart shattered further.  And 2024 really wasn't any better.  

I came home from working on the mainland, Bailey Bee was happy as usual to see me, and even had energy to take what would be her final walk.  She hadn't been able to do that much in her last few weeks, and now I get the sense it was a farewell tour of her favorite places to sniff and pee, leaving messages telling everybody that she'd not be returning.

By the evening of Saturday the 27th, it became clear that I'd have to make another heartbreaking phone call soon, so I had the kids say their goodbyes just in case Bailey took the decision out of my hands.  She did.

I do my best to stay present and focus on celebrating Sadie's nativity, but there's a nagging sadness that never leaves my side.  Really wish I could lose my memories at times...

<exits singing, Look back, there is no escape>